| 027; 10 December 1998 |
[Thursday
December 10th, at 11:48pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS, SUSAN BONES AND RAVENCLAW 98.]I think that I should learn how to sign. This whole pride thing is more trouble than pride is worth.
Are we ever going to get over this? Or at least be able to move on? I'd hate to think that I'm going to keep feeling like this for the rest of my life.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 026; 03 December 1998 |
[Thursday
December 3rd, at 4:21pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS.]I need to talk to you about this. I know I've been putting the whole thing off forever because I haven't wanted to think about the fact that because of me, some one died, but the full moon and the fact that we're going to be stuck fighting again has just made me think that I need to deal with the whole thing before anything worse happens. We've practised how to arrest some one and I've put a lot of work into brushing up on all of the charms I'm going to need to know, but I'm still worried. What if something like that happens again? Even if the next time isn't my fault this time, I don't think I can take seeing anyone die.
I know that the whole thing happened a while ago, but I still feel guilty. I still feel like the fact that I was involved, in whatever way, makes me a really horrible person. I know they took a lot from us, but I don't think I can justify what I did by saying that they deserved to die. Because no one does -- not even them. I think the fact that people have been saying that they want to kill them just makes this harder. They don't know what this is like. I know other people are in the same position as me and I don't think they're bad people -- you, Susan, Anthony and Terry, for example. You're not bad people. But I guess that turning that same mentality on myself is harder.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 025; 07 November 1998 |
[Saturday
November 7th, at 11:43am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RAVENCLAWS MINUS PADMA PATIL, PLUS BIANCA SPINKS.]After Padma went off on that Hufflepuff last week, Bianca and I talked a bit and we decided that we think that as her friends, we should find a way to confront her about the way she's been acting lately. I know that she's been going through a lot and she has every reason to be upset, but I know that I do not like to be made to feel as though I have less to be upset with than some one else, given the circumstances. I didn't lose a twin and maybe that's why she's felt like she can only be nice to George, but we need to remind her that we are still her friends and that she shouldn't be pushing us away. Moreover, I am concerned that if she keeps treating other people who aren't as much her friends the way she has been, she's going to make things very difficult for herself in the long-run.
I know that we can't ever expect Padma to be the same Padma as she was before and maybe this is just as simple as her having just become some one who is very unpleasant, but I think that we owe her and ourselves a try. If this doesn't work, then we're not really much worse off than we are now, practically having lost her as a friend already.
What do you all think?
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 024; 07 November 1998 |
[Saturday
November 7th, at 12:59am] |
|
Typical.
|
|
| 023; 02 November 1998 |
[Monday
November 2nd, at 4:59pm] |
So, if I Polyjuice myself, that means I can talk, right? Not something I've ever thought about before, but now that the Death Eaters have gone there, I can't help but wonder. I don't think I'd mind having my voice back, even if only for a few hours. I've got a lot to say after not being able to say anything at all for five months.
On a less self-centred note, seems like there's an awful lot to apologise for lately, but again, I'm sorry to anyone who was hurt and I'm sorry to all of Charis Burke's friends and to her family. I don't know what happened, really, but I think that regardless of who she was or what she did, none of us deserve to die. None of us have deserved anything that's happened, but I guess that's why we call the whole thing a war.
|
|
| 022; 26 October 1998 |
[Monday
October 26th, at 9:16pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS.]So, I need you to do something for me.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 021; 04 October 1998 |
[Sunday
October 4th, at 10:36pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RAVENCLAWS, SUSAN BONES, BIANCA SPINKS AND FRANCIS SUMMERBY.]I saw Morag this afternoon and she's in really bad shape. Something happened to her eyes and now she's lost her vision. She couldn't even tell that I was the one visiting her when I went. As of tomorrow, she's planning to resign from the Auror training programme. I don't think she'd want any of you to pity her or anything but I thought I would pass along the information so that you would all be aware of the situation.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 020; 04 October 1998 |
[Sunday
October 4th, at 4:35pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]I don't know how this happened. I'm not a murderer. I'm not one of them. I never wanted to be. I never wanted to hurt anyone that bad. How can anyone think that killing some one is a good thing? What I've done is horrible. I told him I'd kill him but I never meant to. He didn't deserve death. No one deserves that. I just wanted to bring him to the DMLE. We can't just go around killing people because they've done terrible things. Not even if they're trying to kill us. We're better than that. I was. We had to be. We're no different than they are if we try to kill them. What does that make me?
I don't know anything anymore. I didn't mean for him to die. He saved my life. He's the only reason that man didn't kill me. Why wouldn't he just fight like he was supposed to? What the hell happened to him that he didn't even care enough to cast a bloody Shield Charm? He wanted me to kill him. He asked me to. How can anyone live without caring that they're alive or without wanting to be? That doesn't make any sense.
Today is the full moon. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm glad I can't talk anymore. I don't deserve to. I don't deserve anything. Some one is dead because of me. I'm a fucking monster.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 019; 04 October 1998 |
[Sunday
October 4th, at 2:54pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO MINISTER SHACKLEBOLT AND THE DMLE.]Did you find Rodolphus Lestrange? Did you arrest him?
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 018; 23 September 1998 |
[Wednesday
September 23rd, at 6:38pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO ANTHONY GOLDSTEIN.]I don't agree with what you did, even if I can understand the whole thing, but you know that fairly well by now. I guess, to be frank, the willingness really scared me. There was one time when you almost took off my head after catching us sabotaging that loo. I don't want to be scared of my friends, especially not some one that I've been friends with for this long. And I guess at some point in there, I stopped trusting you because of the things you were doing, even knowing that you thought you were doing them for the best interest of the group.
I don't want things to continue this way, though. And I'm really sorry that I didn't have more faith in you. I know that we've both technically apologised to each other, but considering the possibility of you going on trial too made me think of this. You know that I would testify for you if I ever had to. I'll admit that the whole thing is something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around, but if you think you can, we should put this behind us.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 017; 18 September 1998 |
[Friday
September 18th, at 2:24pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY.]Yes, Megan Jones. Why ARE you sending Corbina Lestrange presents?
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 016; 06 September 1998 |
[Sunday
September 6th, at 5:48pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS.]So, I'm sure you've read about the auction Morag's trying to put together. I think that everyone should do their parts when charity's involved. I mean, I know things would have been a lot different growing up if my mum's church hadn't given us money every now and then when my dad was gone. So I want to be involved. Of course, I also don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything and I wanted to talk to you about volunteering first before I actually did.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 015; 07 August 1980 |
[Friday
August 7th, at 10:25pm] |
|
What's worse than being in a bad mood on the full moon? Your girlfriend locking you out of the bedroom when you're already in aforementioned bad mood. Thanks, Bianca. That was passive aggressive on an Anthony level. I'm going home.
|
|
| 014; 30 July 1998 |
[Thursday
July 30th, at 6:33pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS.]I get the feeling lately that I have lost all of my friends. Morag and I have been arguing off and on and Anthony is just...I don't know about Anthony sometimes. Being together with everyone last night just made me realise how strained things feel between me and everyone else since we all fought at Hogwarts. I could just be too sensitive about things because we can't have conversations like we used to but I don't know, I feel like my concern is pretty valid. We're all growing apart, kind of. I just miss the way things used to be.
Padma is probably the worst, though. Anthony and I have talked about things a little bit in regards to what she has been like over the last couple of months and I'm starting to really worry. She went out with IS members, for Merlin's sake. Why would she do that after all of the things she knows they've done? Anthony and I talked about the possibility of her relating to them more than the DA because she had to go through such horrible things being involved with them, but after what happened to Parvati, I would think she would hate them even more than she did before. They are the sons and daughters of the people who killed her. I don't understand.
And she's been so distant, too. I asked her to help me with my spells after what I was bitten and everything and she said that she was too busy to help. From what Anthony said, I think she has been avoiding everyone besides Terry lately. I thought that maybe she and Terry had started dating or something. I still don't know if that's true or not, but I can't come up with any other explanation. I just want my friends back. After everything we have been through, I would have thought that we would all be closer to each other now and instead I feel like I am losing all of them. Sorry to be saying all of this to you when there isn't much you can do about anything, but I need to talk to some one and since talking is actually out of the question, you get to read all of this.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 013; 20 July 1998 |
[Monday
July 20th, at 7:04pm] |
[WARDED TO RAVENCLAWS MINUS TERRY BOOT AND PADMA PATIL.]So, now that this Megan situation has been taken care of, there's something I've been meaning to ask you all. I will be a little disappointed if this is true and Terry hasn't told me himself, but before I jump to conclusions, I'd like to see what you think.
Padma declined to help me practice my non-verbal spellwork and she seems to have been really busy and aloof lately. I know she's going through a lot but that still seems odd, even for her. And Terry mentioned that they've been watching a lot of tv together and that he's looking for his own place. So, I'm wondering if maybe they aren't dating. That would make a lot of sense. At least to me. What do you all think?
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 012; 10 July 1998 |
[Friday
July 10th, at 10:23pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS AND SUSAN BONES.]Pardon me for interrupting, ladies, but we're spending the night in a CASTLE. You can talk about Theodore's propriety later.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 011; 09 July 1998 |
[Thursday
July 9th, at 1:45am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY.]Bianca wants to join the DA.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 010; 08 July 1998 |
[Wednesday
July 8th, at 2:46am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO PADMA PATIL.]I'm really sorry to ask this. Chatting people up for help is kind of embarrassing and if this comes at a bad time or you want to just ignore me, that's okay. I know you have a lot of things going on and I'm not just saying this because I'm about to ask you a favour, but if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask me for help. If I can embarrass myself asking you, you can embarrass yourself asking me.
Anyway. After what happened on Sunday, I think that I need to start practicing my nonverbal spells even more. Anthony's been a lot of help and I've been reading books that people have given me and even Ruby offered, but I know that you are exceptionally talented and genius-like, so if you have time, I would really appreciate if you could help me.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
| 009; 07 July 1998 |
[Tuesday
July 7th, at 3:37am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BIANCA SPINKS.]As tired as I am of this whole war thing, part of me would take a fight with a Death Eater above having to discuss things with the DA as a group any day. Of course, that's the irrational part of me that's frustrated with the fact that we can never talk without it dissolving into some one getting upset. Maybe I'm just feeling especially short-tempered today because I'm sore and tired of being in St Mungo's already, but I think I would be annoyed with the situation anyway, just maybe not as much. Everyone always just seems so bitter about everything. That's not to say that some of us don't have really good reasons to be bitter, like Padma, and usually I can ignore all of that, but today I can't seem to. I know we're all really different people and even though we work together, we have different opinions on things, but everything always has to be such a headache or a long, drawn out debate before we can actually agree on something. We've been this way for months and I thought that with everyone back from being on the run that we could be more focused and get down to business and not let our stupid rivalries and pettiness get in the way. At this rate, Megan will
Minister Shack Kingsley told me to report Hogwarts when I go back instead of the DMLE. So, I guess this means I won't be a Hit-Wizard after all. That's probably for the best. I couldn't even fight my way out of a grocery bag these days. I guess I'm just going to have to find something else to make you proud and hopefully not mess that up too. And just to just to finish off complaining the way I started, I wish they'd feed us better food around here. I could really go for a steak. I think we should go out and get some when I can finally leave.
[END WARDS.]
|
|
![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}